If I Were the Mets’ GM… by Lisa Alcock

Usually, from April to June of every year I take great pride in watching my hometown team, the Detroit Red Wings, play for the Stanley Cup. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case this year. No, I'm not bitter about that, not at all. I'm not bitter that my team lost to a team named after some lame Disney movie starring Emilio Estevez. Not me, nope.... So now that hockey has ended with the NJ Devils winning the Stanley Cup I feel I can put my full attention towards baseball. My only problem is that I just can’t seem to get into watching the Mets this year. To put it mildly, they suck. They’re in last place in their division. Hell, they’re not even playing .500 ball for crying out loud. As I write this they’ve won 36 games and lost 46. I have yet to get my ass out to Shea yet and it’s July. This is all new for me. Usually by this time I’ve already been to at least four to five games. A little over a month ago the Mets fired their GM, Steve Phillips. My running joke was that I was taking over as the head honcho. Then I thought about it: if given the chance what would I do to bring people back to Shea and how would I make a better team? What follows are some promotional ideas and trade ideas to get people—mainly me—back into the stadium…some of which might be a little unrealistic…but I mean, c’mon, so is my idea of being the new GM.

1) Win a Date with Joe McEwing Night. Ok, I admit, I’m being a total girl with this one. (And why is it my number one idea here? Who knows, maybe it’s my wishful thinking.) But please, he’s such an awesome utility player…and he’s pretty damn cute too. Why wouldn’t a girl want to go out with him? This promotional night is definitely aimed at the 20-37 female age bracket.

2) Bring back RC Cola to Shea Stadium. The appropriate beverages are crucial to any baseball game. I can’t recall when I was introduced to RC Cola, but I love it. I’d heard that it was offered at Shea up until the 1980’s, though, Evan—who claims he’s a life-long Mets fan—can’t give me a definitive answer as to when they stopped selling it at Shea.

3) Let’s get some vegetarian fare at the ballpark. How about a few veggie only food booths? I’d really like it if they had tofu dogs, veggie chik’n sandwiches and veggie burgers. Hey, vegetarians are baseball fans too. Don’t get me wrong, I love the overpriced beer, but that’s not a meal…well, maybe after three or four…*hiccup*.

4) Trade Armando Benitez1…PLEASE! And what the hell is he doing at the All Star game?? I’m so tired of screaming at the TV whenever they bring him in. He’s can’t strike anyone out to save his life. Some might ask me, ‘Was he ever any good?’ I think my grandma can pitch better than Armando. Wait a minute, maybe I should call my grandma...

5) Trade Alomar2, Burnitz3 and yes, Piazza. I like Robbie, but I think it was a bad move to obtain him in the first place. He probably misses Omar in Cleveland. I tell you, those times I did see the Indians, there was nothing more perfect that the Vizquel-Alomar-Thome double play.

6) Fans will get the chance to guess the number of errors committed by a certain position player in a particular inning of the game. Ballots will be available prior to the game and must be submitted before the National Anthem is sung. Fans who guess correctly will win that amount times $100! Example, three errors on the 1st baseman will get one lucky fan $300! The Mets have already proven they have money to throw away by acquiring players who don’t perform, so why not spend a few more dollars on this promotional night?

7) Be the Lead Off Hitter Night! (Right-handers only.). You think you can do a better job? Well, step right up! Arrive at batting practice and a panel of judges will decide who’s the best from a pool of potential hitters. (Note: only the first 100 will be allowed to “try out.”)

8) Be the new 2nd baseman!! Actually, I wouldn’t mind trying out for this position. I need a better job anyhow. And, I feel that my two years’ experience on my company softball team qualifies me to try out for the Mets.

9) Annihilate the “Up with Pepsi” people. (A.k.a. the “Pepsi party patrol”, those annoying, overly-excitable people who shoot crappy t-shirts into the stands directly at peoples’ heads.) One lucky winner will be able to turn the T-shirt guns on the Pepsi people. Kind of reminiscent of a firing line….

If the Mets lose—which they seem to be doing quite often lately—one lucky winner will get to pelt as many rocks as she/he can at the incredibly creepy, giant-headed Mr. Met. This will be a sponsored event…nothing like “Sausage-gate” in Milwaukee.

So, rather than the Mets just throwing in the towel for the remainder of the season I am sending this list to them. Hopefully they’ll take the rest of my ideas into consideration. If not, well, I guess I can concentrate on college football season, which begins before Labor Day. And I think I can get some Red Wings pre-season games on that pay-per-view hockey channel…

1 Author’s note: prior to publication…the Mets did trade Armando to who else? The Yankees. Man, that’ll be quite interesting. [Editor’s note: Benitez lasted less than a month in the Bronx—he was banished to Seattle for former Yankee bullpen mainstay Jeff Nelson.]

2 Author’s note: Also prior to publication of this fine zine yet another wish of the writer of this article came true: the Mets did indeed unload Robbie to the White Sox for three minor league players, an infielder and two pitchers.

3 Author’s note: Yet another trade! Burnitz went to the Dodgers on July 14th. In unrelated news, also going to the Dodgers that day from the Newark Bears: Rickey Henderson. Woo hoo, Rickey!