The Trail of Tears: Every City I Move To Has a Shitty Baseball Team by Lisa Alcock

To my utter and complete horror, it was recently brought to my attention by a friend of mine that every city in which I’ve chosen to live has had a baseball team with a shitty record: Detroit, Milwaukee and NYC (actually, I live in Queens and am a Mets fan). I can’t believe I’ve had such an impact, but let’s look at the facts.

Exhibit A:I grew up in Canton, Michigan and the baseball team of my youth was the Detroit Tigers. I loved going to the corner of Michigan and Trumbull in Detroit to watch Sweet Lou (Whitaker) and Alan Trammell play. And who could forget the 1984 World Series? I couldn’t have been happier. But, every year after that the Tigers have yet to reclaim any sort of similar record. I got a little excited before this season began because the heroes from my youth: Alan, Lance (Parish) and Gibby (Kirk Gibson) were coming back to manage and coach the Tigers. I moved from Michigan to Wisconsin in 1994, so I cannot be held responsible for their record from 1995 to the present. Though, my parents still live in Michigan. Perhaps it’s their doing that the Tigers have only won 25 games this year and are on track to be worse than the 1962 Mets.

Exhibit B:

In 1994 I moved to Milwaukee, Wisconsin to attend grad school. I’m not sure I can be held responsible for the abysmal Brewers record though. I never attended a game at County Stadium and I was on hiatus from baseball. There was a period in my life that I didn’t pay attention to baseball [gasp!] on account of being disgusted with the sport. So my friend just might be wrong about my influence on Milwaukee’s horrid record. Though, wait a minute…I was following Cal Ripken’s consecutive game record…which I did watch, on TV. I am not sure if this actually counts as my re-introduction to baseball. Maybe I am responsible for their terrible record. Hmmm…

Exhibit C:

In 1999 I moved to NYC. Let’s see how the Mets have done since I’ve lived here: 1999: NLCS champs, not bad…but they could have gone farther. 2000: Heartbreaking loss to the Yankees in the World Series. 2001: They didn’t make the playoffs. 2002: Acquired very expensive players who didn’t produce, fired Bobby V. and hired Art Howe. 2003: I don’t think I need to comment on their current last place status.

So there you have it. Apparently I really do possess the power to influence a baseball team solely on where I choose to live. Now I think I can put my supernatural powers to work in a more positive fashion. So, I’ve decided to move. Hand me the Village Voice classifieds. You can reach me at my new address in the Bronx…

By day, Lisa Alcock is a copyeditor at a legal publishing company. By night, she can usually be found drinking a pint of Guinness at a local pub, or at home watching Law & Order reruns and SportsCenter. It is her dream job to work at ESPN. The author also admits that she has not read the Chicago Manual of Style in its entirety. Kip says of the author: “When she steps inside the white lines herself, she can bring it!”