What An Asstro (Fan): Why I Think My Friend Kip Is a Wiener by Lisa Alcock

Monday, 1.12.04

I am at work and I just received an e-mail from my friend Evan informing me that Roger Clemens has signed with the Astros, press conference at 3:00 pm. I immediately e-mail my good friend, Kip (with whom I work and who you might remember wrote a scathing, anti-Clemens article in the previous issue of Zisk, titled: “Why I Think Roger Clemens is a Wiener”) whose immediate response is: “SWEET!!! You made my day!” My response is: “Huh?? What??? Who abducted my friend? Kip? Kip???” I feel like Michael Corleone when he’s betrayed by his brother, Fredo. You broke my heart, Kip. Sigh.

God is dead.
There is no Santa Claus.
I’ve lost faith.
I feel lost and alone.

Oh, Kip. What happened to your vitriol? How misguided you’ve become. I don’t even know who you are anymore. Remember when we both agreed on Clemens? We both thought he was a jackass. Remember when we rejoiced every time Clemens and the Yankees lost the World Series? Allow me, kind sir, to quote your article that appeared in the last issue of Zisk:

“I love to root against Roger Clemens. I can't stand to see him win…”

“No, my vitriol was saved for Roger Clemens.”

“Since his trade to the Yankees, Roger Clemens has done incredibly stupid act after annoying act.…”

“Well do us all a favor Roger, and puh-lease, make an ass out of yourself one more time.”

Did you forget that it was I who gave you the title for your aforementioned article? What’s happened?? Did becoming a dad make you more tolerant? Kip, how can I believe anything you now say? You’ve gone over to the dark side. You can say nothing to convince me otherwise. (Kip has just come over to my desk and while dancing sings: “I heart Roger Clemens!” about five times, and it took all my might to restrain myself and not punch him).

I don’t like Roger. Never have. Especially not since he beaned Piazza in the head…and threw bat fragments at him. He’s a wiener, period. Please, Roger, stay retired and go play golf or whatever it is retired ballplayers do.

Well, I guess this is the reality now—Clemens is an Astro. I can’t help but now wonder: will Roger bat when the Astros come to Shea Stadium this year? Hrmmm…well, wait, maybe there is a bright side to this story. Nah, he’ll probably have a clause in his contract that states he only pitches home games. Though, he did face Shawn Estes in 2002. (That was a great game. I was there. Roger’s first time at Shea after the “incidents,” the entire stadium erupting in chants of “Roooooger, Roooger.” Estes struck him out…and then Estes got a grand slam off of the wiener. The Mets shut out the Yankees too.) Fans don’t forget. I don’t forget. Step up to the plate, Roger Dodger. You’ve made several enemies in your career.

So, today I learned a valuable lesson: my friends are not infallible. Kip is still my good friend, even if he is misguided. I will say that I’m now prepared for (almost) anything.

Next thing you know Kip is going to tell me that he’s a Yankees fan.

Author’s note: Can Lisa and Kip put aside their off-the-field differences and play as one mean double play unit on their company softball team? Well, only if Kip can offer Lisa a contract for, say…$5 million. Bwahahahaaa!

Author’s second note: Truth be told…Kip and Lisa have been good friends for many years…nothing could really dissolve their friendship, except, well, if Kip did become a Yankee’s fan….which is where the author draws the line.